(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, March 26, 1995)

As an American, I am ticked off about Sailor Moon.

What is Sailor Moon, you ask? Shut up and I will tell you.

Sailor Moon is a licensed-cartoon-character merchandising concept that is about to be dumped on us by the people who brought us the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. If you've never heard of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, go to a window right now, open it, and listen. You'll hear the high-pitched, irritating sound of small children all over America demanding in whiny voices that their parents take out second mortgages so that they can buy official Power Rangers action figures, lunch boxes, backpacks, underwear, snow tires, forklifts, assault rifles, ponies, marital aids, members of Congress, and hundreds of other licensed spinoff products.

The cause of this whining is a daily TV show starring the Power Rangers, a group of low-IQ trailer-park dwellers who have extramarital affairs with their in-laws and screech at each other in front of a live studio audience.

No, wait, that's the Jerry Springer show.

The Power Rangers are a group of teenagers who have the ability to transform themselves into crime-fighters with the power to beat the living starch out of evil beings while speaking very bad dialogue. I don't see this show very often, so to obtain more information, I called up my Research Department, Judi Smith, who has young children and therefore has Power Rangers coming out of her pores.

"How do the Power Rangers transform?" I asked her.

"They call on the power of their Zords, " she explained.

"The power of their swords?" I asked.

"No, " she said, in the tone of voice that you use to talk to a dog, "their Zords. Z-O-R-D-S. Zords."

"Thanks, " I said.

A few minutes later, Judi called back to report that she had discussed this issue with her husband, Tim, who is a college history professor.

"Tim says they don't call on the power of their Zords to transform, " she reported. "He says they just morph."

"I see, " I said.

"I asked him HOW they morph, " she said, "and he said, quote, 'They have morphing capability.' "

"Well, " I said, "that certainly clears . . . "

"He says the morphing capability must come from that guy with his head in the tube."

"Ah, " I said.

"But they definitely call on the power of their Zords for something, " she said.

So we see that the Power Rangers can have a dangerous impact on our brain function, and now we face the additional menace of Sailor Moon. According to an Associated Press story, Sailor Moon is the blond, ponytailed heroine of a wildly popular Japanese cartoon show. Sailor Moon leads a team of female superheroes who wear miniskirts and go-go boots; according to the AP story, they "combat evil and sexism" using special powers that they get from their "magical brooches, scepters and compacts."

That's right: These heroines, striking a bold blow against sexism and outdated stereotypes of women, get their power from jewelry and makeup.

We can only try to imagine the plot action:

FIRST FEMALE SUPERHERO: Uh-oh! It's the evil villain Lord Pustule! He's going to destroy the world!

SECOND FEMALE SUPERHERO: Not if I can help it! Toss me the eyeliner!

The AP story also says that parts of some Japanese episodes will not be shown to American audiences, such as the one in which a member of Sailor Moon's team "proudly refers to the size of her breasts."