THE PRESIDENT: So where is Bauer now?

CHIEF OF STAFF: He was imprisoned in a secret California prison facility.

THE PRESIDENT: Have him released.

CHIEF OF STAFF: He was also tortured.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, have a medical team . . .

CHIEF OF STAFF: Then he was decapitated and fed to boars.

THE PRESIDENT: Whoa.

CHIEF OF STAFF: Fortunately, he was trained for exactly that.

THE PRESIDENT: Are you saying that he could . . .

CHIEF OF STAFF: We won't know until after the commercial.

COMMERCIAL

SETTING: The infirmary of a secret California prison

JACK BAUER is sitting on an examination table. There are boar bites all over his body and a bandage wrapped around his neck. A doctor has just finished examining him.

DOCTOR: You're going to experience some soreness from having your head reattached to your body. I suggest you take it easy for at least the next hour.

JACK: Give me your phone.

DOCTOR: If you need to make a call, there's a phone in the ----

JACK: Dammit, there's NO TIME!

Jack pulls a gun and shoots the doctor in the thigh. As the doctor falls to the floor, Jack snatches his cell phone and dials a number. The scene shifts to an FBI office in Washington, D.C., where Chloe, sitting at her computer, answers the phone.

CHLOE: Hello?

JACK: Chloe, it's Jack.

CHLOE: Jack? I thought you were decapitated and consumed by boars.

JACK: Not any more.

CHLOE: Thank God. I thought I wasn't getting any lines this season. Last year all I did was a PSA for Earth Day, while Janeane Garofalo got ----

JACK: Dammit, Chloe, there's NO TIME. A terrorist cell is bringing in a proton defrackulator.

CHLOE: That sounds bad.

JACK: I need a map showing the port of entry for every international freight shipment in the past 13 days weighing between 52 and 63 kilograms, overlaid with another grid showing the locations of all metropolitan areas with populations of 28,000 or more, overlaid with another grid showing prevailing wind direction and speed, overlaid with another grid showing the location of every odd-numbered Waffle House in North America.

CHLOE (tapping on her keyboard): I'm sending it now.

Jack looks at the cell-phone screen, which says ``DOWNLOADING.''

DOCTOR (watching from the floor): How are you doing that with my phone? I can't even get a signal in here.

Jack, without taking his eyes off the phone, shoots the doctor in the other thigh to silence him. The phone is now displaying a detailed map with many symbols, including a blinking red dot over Washington, D.C.

JACK: Looks like they're bringing the defrackulator into the Washington area.

CHLOE: That makes sense. All the other main characters are here.

JACK (stepping over the doctor and heading for the exit): I'll need transport.

CHLOE (tapping): I'll send a helicopter.

Jack runs outside. A helicopter immediately appears overhead.

JACK: OK, I see it.

CHLOE: What?

JACK: Sorry. I mean I have a visual on it. Have the FBI set up a perimeter around Washington, Maryland and Virginia. Don't let anybody in or out. Shut down the shipping lanes and set up satellite surveillance to detect anybody on the Eastern Seaboard who looks vaguely Middle Eastern.

CHLOE (tapping): I'm on it.

Reprinted from I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry by arrangement with G.P. Putnam's Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., Copyright (c) 2010 by Dave Barry.