Second installment in a three-part series.

Since I stopped writing my weekly column for The Miami Herald, people are always asking me: ``How do you like retirement?'' I explain to these people that I am NOT retired: I am doing lots of things outside of the public view, much like Vice President Biden. One of my main activities has been writing humor essays, which have just been published in the form of my new book, I'll Mature When I'm Dead. Here is an excerpt from one of those essays, a script for the wonderfully improbable TV show 24.

`24': THE ULTIMATE SCRIPT

SETTING: The White House Situation Room

The president, seen only in silhouette, sits at the head of a conference table. Seated around the table are the vice president, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and various important-looking extras. The lighting is dim.

THE PRESIDENT: I've called you together because we have received intelligence concerning a serious threat that could . . . What is it, Mr. Vice President?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Why is the lighting so dim?

THE PRESIDENT: For dramatic effect. You'll also notice that many characters in this show whisper for no good reason.

THE VICE PRESIDENT (peering at the president): Wait a minute. You're a kangaroo.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. The writers already did an African-American president and a woman president, so this season they were thinking, ``Maybe a Jewish president?'' And then they thought, ``Nah, too unrealistic.'' So they went kangaroo.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: But is that even constitutional? And where do you go to the bathroom?

THE PRESIDENT: Nobody on this show goes to the bathroom.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Touché.

THE PRESIDENT: As I was saying, we have received intelligence concerning a threat that could cause the deaths of millions of Americans.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: My God! What is it?

THE PRESIDENT: What is what?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: The threat.

THE PRESIDENT: I'll let the FBI Director, played by a fading movie star such as William Hurt or Gene Hackman, answer that.

FBI DIRECTOR: We have reason to believe that a vaguely Middle Eastern terrorist organization has acquired a proton defrackulator.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: What's a proton defrackulator?

FBI DIRECTOR: We have no idea. But it sounds very bad.

THE PRESIDENT: Well if these terrorists think I'm going to let them kill millions of Americans on my watch just because I have short, thumbless forelimbs, then they have another think coming. General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?

GENERAL: We recommend an immediate tactical nuclear missile strike against Boston.

THE PRESIDENT: Is that where the terrorists are?

GENERAL: No, we just hate Boston.

THE PRESIDENT: Fair enough. But we also need to do something about these terrorists.

CHIEF OF STAFF: If I may . . .

THE PRESIDENT: Aren't you one of the Baldwin brothers?

CHIEF OF STAFF: I believe so.

THE PRESIDENT: Go on.

CHIEF OF STAFF: There is only one man who can stop these terrorists, and that man is Jack Bauer.

THE PRESIDENT: Bauer . . . I know that name.

CHIEF OF STAFF: He's the main character.

THE PRESIDENT: Ah, right. But didn't he end the last season being arrested on trumped-up charges after he was framed by a shadowy cabal of powerful men?

CHIEF OF STAFF: That's how he ends every season.