"This airplane does not melt in water, " stated an Air Force official in a quote that I am also not making up. "We do this all the time. We just get out here with the brushes and scrub away."

I don't know about the rest of you taxpayers, but when I read those words, I get a proud feeling deep in my stomach, knowing that there is no way that any enemy of this nation could disable our B-2 bomber fleet by having agents sneak into Missouri and wash the planes.

Despite the fact that the B-2 has been shown to be capable, with proper maintenance, of withstanding moisture, the Pentagon has decided that it does not want to buy any more of these planes. In other words, even our top military experts believe that 21 is a sufficient number of extremely expensive bombers with no apparent function. So guess what a bunch of congresspersons recently tried to do? Right! They tried to have the taxpayers buy nine more! For another $27 billion! Guess why they did this? Right! To enhance the National Security! By which I mean, get themselves re-elected! It doesn't even matter if the B-2 can fly! We could make it entirely out of a fragile type of cheese that spoils on contact with air and has to be completely replaced every 45 minutes! As long as the money gets spent in these congresspersons' districts!

Unfortunately for our National Security, Congress decided to cancel the new B-2's and spend the money on other things. (What, you thought they'd give the money back to YOU?) Nevertheless we can all take comfort in the fact that for many years, we will be paying millions and millions of dollars to maintain the original fleet of Stealth bombers stationed strategically in Missouri, scrubbed and ready to fly out and bomb enemy targets. Or maybe it will turn out to be more cost-effective to fly the enemy targets to Missouri, so our B-2's can bomb them without getting too far from the climate-controlled maintenance facilities. So as a taxpayer, I applaud all the congresspersons who helped make this amazing weapon possible. I hope they get rewarded for their efforts by being taken for lengthy VIP flights on the B-2. In the rain. Strapped to a wing.

(c) 2010, Dave Barry
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