If you drive west from Miami, you will soon come to the Everglades, so whatever you do, do not drive west, because there are snakes out there the diameter of the Lincoln Tunnel. Miami also has theaters, museums, art galleries, ballet and libraries, but what do you care? You'll be in South Beach, watching ``people.''

BROWARD COUNTY

In past years, Broward County felt left out, because Miami-Dade County has always been the throbbing heart of the Super Bowl action. But this year we are stressing that Broward is also an important Super Bowl organ, like the goiter, or even the pituitary gland. You should definitely check it out. Maybe after the ballet.

USEFUL SPANISH

Miami has a large Spanish-speaking population, so it's good to know some basic conversational Spanish. Here are some expressions that will come in handy: -- ``¿Donde el heck está mi coche?'' (``Where the heck is my car?'')

-- ``Lo dejé con el ayudante de cámara.'' (``I left it with the valet.'')

-- ``¿Cómo? ¿El no era ayudante de cámara?'' (``What do you mean, he wasn't a valet?'')

-- ``¡Hey! ¿Es ella una hermana de Kardashian?'' (``Hey! Is that a Kardashian sister?'')

-- ``¡Su extremo es del tamaño de un Lounger de Barca!'' (``Her butt is the size of a Barca-Lounger!'')

-- ``¡Ha ha!'' (``Ha ha!'')

-- ``¡Perdoneme! No sabía que era su esposa.'' (``Sorry! I didn't know that was your wife.'')

-- ``Eso es un arma muy grande.'' (``That is a very large gun.'')

GETTING TO GAME

To get to the game, simply ask any Miami resident for directions to ``Sun Life Stadium'' and you will be rewarded with a blank stare, because until about 15 minutes ago it was officially named ``Land Shark Stadium.'' It has also been officially named ``Dolphins Stadium,'' ``Pro Player Stadium,'' ``Joe Robbie Stadium,'' ``McDonald's Value Meal Stadium,'' ``Toilet Duck Stadium,'' ``The Law Offices of Leonard A. Tortmonger and Associates Stadium,'' and ``Jason Whiffenberger's Bar Mitzvah Stadium.'' The largest cash business in South Florida is selling the naming rights to this stadium. For the right price, you can name it after yourself, but only until another buyer comes along, because it is not a faithful stadium. It's the 10-dollar hooker of stadiums.

Anyway, to get to Hooker Stadium from Miami, get onI-95 (not recommended) and drive north until you enter the Golden Glades Interchange, which scientists believe was left here by alien beings.

You will emerge from the Golden Glades somewhere near the stadium. Or, Cleveland. There is no way to tell.

But whatever happens, we're thrilled that you're here.

The Super Bowl will bring a $500 million windfall to South Florida, according to Super Bowl Host Committee officials who clearly have been smoking crack. However much money it actually is, we need it, so let me repeat: Welcome to our town! Make yourself at home! Or, as we like to say down here: ``Mi casa es su casa.'' (``Give me your wallet.'')