$16.95 plus shipping and handling from Stink Free Direct, 3233 NW 21st St., Oklahoma City, Okla. 73107, 866-803-3800;

www.stinkfreedirect.com

Suggested by Andy Wenzel of Miami.

Here's a gift that sends the cheerful holiday message: ``You are surrounded by disgusting fluids you cannot see.'' This is a special ``ultra-violet'' light that, when you shine it around on surfaces such as carpets, bedspreads, your spouse, etc., reveals traces of -- and here we are quoting the official website -- ``urine, vomit, feces, saliva, semen and blood.'' The site further states that this light can (we are not making this up):

-- ''Fluoresce many types of ringworm and make it easier to see and diagnose.''

-- ''Help locate scorpions around pools, walkways, in basements and other areas.''

No, we don't know how the Stink-Finder light does these things. Maybe the scorpions and ringworms emit urine, vomit, feces, saliva, semen or blood. If so, that is all the more reason why you and the people on your holiday gift list need this product. It is also why Mr. Donald Trump keeps three of these babies on his person at all times.

  Dave Barry's 2009 Gift Guide

• Educational sperm snow globe
• Poop box
• Jerky pistol
• Nose shower-gel dispenser
• Metal-detecting sandals
• Whoppair boxing gloves

• NFL Garden Gnome
• Beer pager
• Stink-finder ultraviolet light
• Golf club drink dispenser
• Wine glass holder necklace (set of two)