DAVE BARRY ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE

Electronic Message Brassiere

 

$500 plus shipping and handling from Enlighted Designs Inc., P.O. Box 231548, Encinitas, Calif. 92023-1548, 760-505-3343 (US Pacific Time Zone) (fax 208-723-7139),

www.enlighted.com

If you are a woman who possesses a pair of bosoms, you are probably aware that men look at them from time to time (defined as ''once every .000000000003 seconds''). This is NOT because men are lowlife sex-addict hound dogs. It is a vital instinct that Nature has ``hard-wired'' into males because, back when primitive humans were roaming around being primitive, the very survival of the species depended upon the male's ability to accurately determine, when he entered a group, which group members were females, and which ones were other males, and which ones were trees. That's right, ladies: Next time a guy is taking a gander at your goods, do not be critical of him, because he is only trying to save humanity from destruction, which is also why he is buying you a mojito.

So if men have no genetic CHOICE but to look at women's bazoomage, the logical question is: Can you, as a woman turn this instinct into a means of improved inter-gender communication? The answer is, yes you can. You can wear this electronic message brassiere, which uses an exciting new technology called ''electric lights'' to flash actual letters on your cleavage region, thus forming actual words. Granted, these have to be very short words, such as ''HEY'' and ''WOW.'' But the important thing is, you will be communicating, and without communication, we are nothing more than primitive savages, enslaved by base physical wants. Let us buy you a mojito.

NEXT | Snow-Thrower Cab

Read more Dave Barry Gift Guide - 2006 stories from the Miami Herald

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<b>ON DASHER, ON DANCER?</b> Santa Claus is coming to town in style on the <a href="16097686.htm">Cruzin Cooler.</a>

    DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE

    What's behind Santa's Ho-Ho-Ho

    Holiday gift-giving is a tradition that dates back roughly 2,006 years, to when the Three Wise Men went to Bethlehem with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the Baby Jesus. Of course the next day the Virgin Mary returned these items for store credit, because she was a low-income mother with a newborn, and as the old saying goes, ''You can't diaper a baby with frankincense.''

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