Hi, God, it's me, Pat Robertson. How's everything in Heaven?
Clear skies, warm sun and a gentle breeze, eh? Well, it's been raining cats and dogs here in
Virginia. But I guess You already knew that, didn't You?
Listen, God, the reason I'm calling: I'm sure You saw in the paper where I've asked the viewers
of my TV show, The 700 Club, to join me in a "prayer offensive." You've probably heard from them
already; they're more responsive than Pavlov's dogs.
Little joke there, Lord.
Anyway, what we want is, we want You to change the Supreme Court. Frankly, your people have had
it up to their keisters - excuse the rough language, God - with the Court. First, they said
schoolchildren couldn't be forced to pray to You. Then they said a woman had the right to "choose"
whether she wanted to be a mother. Now, the court has struck down an anti-sodomy law in the state of
Texas. Left-wingers are calling it a great victory for so-called "gay rights."
But Lord, all us real Americans are terribly concerned. I don't mind telling You, I trembled as I
thought about what this awful ruling will lead to. Homosexuals will be allowed to get married.
Prostitution will be legalized, and bestiality will be mandatory. Even incest will be tolerated -
and I'm not just talking about in your trailer parks either.
Then I realized that the solution is simple: Why don't You just get rid of three of the liberal
justices? That way, our president can replace them with good, You-fearing conservatives? As I told
my viewers, it shouldn't be too hard, given that one liberal justice is 83 years old, another has
cancer and another has a heart condition.
Now, I know what you're thinking, Lord, and no, I'm not exactly asking You to kill them. That's
the same thing that darn liberal media has been saying. They've been having a field day at my
expense ever since this all began. That twit Paula Zahn treated me like a moron on CNN. Some guy
from United Press pretty much called me an idiot.
But God, You and I know You wouldn't have to kill them to get them off the court. All You need to
do is nudge them a little. Let's say maybe one of them has a recurrence of cancer, not even cancer
in a vital part. Cancer of the fingernail, maybe. Or another has a little heart scare. The old
ticker just misses a beat or two. Or maybe one falls and breaks a hip. I'm not asking for a compound
fracture, Lord. Just a little break. Just enough to convince him to hang up the robe.
Is that really so unreasonable? I don't think so. Not if it allows our president to stack the
court with conservatives.
Frankly, Lord - and I'm not being critical - I don't know why You never thought of this before.
I mean, everybody knows you're a Republican. After all, aren't conservatives made in Your image?
Says so right there in the Bible.
So I can't figure out why You've put up with liberal shenanigans for so long. It's been going on
for decades now. Sensitivity training, political correctness, diversity. And don't even get me
started talking about rights. Black rights, women's rights, Latino rights, homosexual rights.
Everybody wants rights.
What I want is to get back to the good old days when we didn't have to worry so much about
rights. The days when Beaver Cleaver was still on the air and Doris Day was still on the radio. The
days when, if the president said you were going to war, darn it, you didn't stand around debating
the matter, you went to war.
If pushing three Supreme Court justices out the door is what it takes to get back to those days,
I don't think it's too high a price.
And while you're at it, could You also do something about that liberal media? I'm serious, Lord,
they're a gosh-awful pain in my neck.
Again, I'm not looking for anything fatal or excessively bloody. Maybe just a plague of frogs in
the newsroom of The New York Times. Or locusts could fly out of Dan Rather's backside. Something
Anyway, I leave it to your judgment. Thanks for listening. And tell Jesus I said hey.